Chuck Norris is a Crazy Engineer !!

Van Helsing

John Wayne would eat Cleant Eastwood and Chuck Norris for breakfast!
And Murphy's Laws don't apply to him neither... 😎

MaRo

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

• When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.
• When there's a fire, you stop, drop, and roll. When there's a Chuck Norris, you stop, drop, and die.
• We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one.
• Chuck Norris bites the hand that feeds him and eats their entrails.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A Chuck Norris a day kills.
• Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
• When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
• Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
• Chuck Norris uses red hot lava to moisturize his skin.
• Chuck Norris invented the apple.
• Chuck Norris Built Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
• Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
• Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
• Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
• If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
• Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
• Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
• Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
• Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
• P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
• Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
• Chuck Norris' paradise is war.
• Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
• Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
• Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
• Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
• Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
• Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
• Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
• Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
• Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
• As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
• Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
• Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
• Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
• The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
• Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
• Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
• The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
• Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
• Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
• Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
• On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
• See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
• Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.
• Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
• Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
• If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
• Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
• You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
• Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
• Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
• Chuck norris invented the corndog.
• The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
• Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
• Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
• Chuck Norris belives the hype.
• Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
• When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
• When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
• Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
• Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
• Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.
• Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
• When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
• Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
• Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
• Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
• Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
• Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
• Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
• Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.

• When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
• Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
• A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
• When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
• Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
• Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
• Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
• In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
• Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
• If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
• A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
• Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
• Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
• When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
• When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
• Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
• Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
• Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
• When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
• When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
• Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
• Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
• In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
• Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
• Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
• Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
• If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
• Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
• Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
• Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
• Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
• The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
• James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
• Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.